Conversations for Change

For people seeking to help women know the Lord's life-giving grace after such horrific suffering. Reprinted and republished from a previous version. Ebook available here on February 21st, print version on March 21st.

  Gaslighting is a term that we hear a lot. It comes from the play “Gaslight” in which a husband tries to convince his wife that she is insane so that he can steal from her.  It is about crazy making. ' G aslighting' where the abuser slowly corrodes the foundation of logic on which a person has learned to make decisions and take action; and doubts her own perceptions . When an abuser is gaslighting, they say and do things that lead the victim to doubt their own perceptions.    Here are some examples:   ·         Ask her to pick something up and later deny that they asked, or vice versa ·         Always want their steak well done and then say they want it rare. Or vice versa. In each scenario, the abuser accuses the victim that they should know this and being stupid for not ·       Things disappear for an unknown reason only to reappear after looking for a long period. For example, the car keys might not be where they are always put. After searching for them for a long

  This is very difficult to answer because everyone is different. Abusers turn their victims into being loyal toward them. If anyone is seen to question that, it is treated as being against them. You require a lot of wisdom.   Here are some suggestions:   ·         If you push what you see, your child might think you don’t understand and believe the abuser that you are against them and their love ·         Try to stay in their lives in a wise way. The abuser will probably sense that you are not easily controlled and speak badly of you to your child. This could result in their mind becoming poisoned against you and usually leads to isolation ·         If you do nothing, it will be terrible for your child ·         Pray for the Lord’s leading, wisdom, or for him to provide opportunities to speak ·         Try to spend time with them when you don’t speak about the abuser ·         Speak to your child about life and situations from a life-giving biblical perspective. This w

  Without suggesting you become suspicious, it is important to note that abusive patterns can start to become evident before a couple gets married. Addressing these can help people possibly avoid making a bad decision.   Things to look out for may include:   ·         Persuading the other person to come to bed ·         Getting them to expose themselves in person or online ·         Rape before marriage ·         Starting to control how they spend their money ·         Starting to control how much time they spend with others and who they see, including relatives ·         Not being willing to admit to any wrongdoing in a conflict or disagreement, while putting the blame solely on the other ·         Not allowing the other to have their own viewpoint, while putting them under pressure to accept theirs’ as the only right perspective ·         A change in your child’s character. Have they lost interest in the things that have always been important to them? Have they chan

  We often hear people being described as narcissists, but what does it mean?   The secular world defines a narcissist in the DSM as:   A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood, and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by 5 or more of the following:   ·        Has a grandiose sense of self-importance ·        Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love ·        Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions ·        Requires excessive admiration ·        Has a sense of entitlement ·        Is interpersonally exploitative ·        Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others ·        Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them ·        Sh

  Are you concerned about the way that someone is treating you or treating someone you care about? Do you suspect their behavior might be abusive? How could you tell? To be able to know how to spot abusive behavior, we must first have some insights into what abuse is. Abuse involves someone who is entitled and expects the victim to live for them. Life for the victim has to revolve around the abuser, which is expressed by controlling the victim.   Researchers have discovered a number of behaviors included in this type of behavior:   ·        Verbal abuse   If someone is being verbally abusive, they will speak in an attacking or hurtful manner. Overt abuse is “openly demeaning” behavior that includes belittling, yelling, name-calling, criticizing, ordering around, sulking, accusing, ridiculing, insulting, trivializing, expressing disgust toward you, threatening, blaming, humiliating, shouting, and shaming.  Covert abuse is subtle. It includes discounting, negating, accusing, denyin