How Can I Spot Abusive Behavior?

 

Are you concerned about the way that someone is treating you or treating someone you care about? Do you suspect their behavior might be abusive? How could you tell? To be able to know how to spot abusive behavior, we must first have some insights into what abuse is.

Abuse involves someone who is entitled and expects the victim to live for them. Life for the victim has to revolve around the abuser, which is expressed by controlling the victim. 

Researchers have discovered a number of behaviors included in this type of behavior: 

·       Verbal abuse 

If someone is being verbally abusive, they will speak in an attacking or hurtful manner. Overt abuse is “openly demeaning” behavior that includes belittling, yelling, name-calling, criticizing, ordering around, sulking, accusing, ridiculing, insulting, trivializing, expressing disgust toward you, threatening, blaming, humiliating, shouting, and shaming. Covert abuse is subtle. It includes discounting, negating, accusing, denying, labeling, using subtle threats, disapproving facial expressions, a sarcastic tone of voice, implying that you are inadequate, joking to diminish you, interrupting you, and twisting and distorting what you say. 

·       Coercion and threats

If the abuser uses coercion, they will try to persuade or restrain you by force. Have they threatened you? They could have made threats about things you depend on such as food, money, clothing, medicine, church life, family, and the children. They might threaten to withdraw emotionally, ignore you, or even to commit suicide.  

·       Minimizing, denying, and blaming

Does your abuser habitually minimize you and attempt to invalidate your feelings and how you experience life? Minimizing includes trivializing and discounting what you think and do.

Do they deny that the abuse has happened, what they are clearly feeling, or the truth or reality of what you think, what you feel, your perceptions, and even claim that they know them better than you do? Do they consistently blame you for their behavior? 

·       Intimidation

If they use intimidation, they may be trying to control circumstances or to cause you to live in fear or helplessness. They might get too close to you when they are angry, block your way, claim that their behavior is an attempt to make you listen, or drive the car irresponsibly.  

·       Mind games

They will try to make you doubt your own thinking. If they succeed in this, it will result in you becoming dependent on them for your thinking. Examples are “I am telling you this for your own good,” “that never happened,” and “you are just imagining it.” The subject of conversation may be overtly or covertly changed, they may be adamant that you were thinking things that you weren’t, and twist what you say. They may be charming toward others, causing you to doubt whether someone who is so nice could be so bad. If they accuse you of having an evil character, it could lead you to becoming doubting whether you can trust your own thinking and values. This is the point when you will accept their judgments about you as being true.

“Gaslighting” is a commonly used term to explain this type of behavior. She may call you to ask you to pick something up, but later deny that she called. Or she may not call and ask why you did not do as she asked. Things might be taken from you for an unknown reason, only to reappear after you have looked for them for a long time. This could result in you thinking that you are losing your mind. 

·       Isolation

They might isolate you from your friends and family. They will probably believe that you should be there only for them. Once you have become isolated, they will be able to give you false information, which then cannot be corrected by others. This leads to you becoming mentally dependent upon them. 

·       Personal privilege

In order for abuse to occur, there must be inequality in the relationship. If a husband is emotionally abusive, he will probably see you as his inferior regarding your gender, intelligence, and ability to use and understand logic. If a church leader is being abusive, they will use their spiritual position. If it is a parent, it will be their parental authority. If it is a wife, she will probably use the system to her advantage. 

·       Financial control

The abuser might not give you enough money to pay for expenses and might spend a lot on themselves. They could make you give all your own money to them. The family assets may have been put in their name. They might remove your access to money, even if you have a legitimate claim to it. Since you could not survive financially without them, this will probably lead you to being under their control. 

·       Using the children

If your spouse senses that they are losing power over you, they might begin to verbally abuse the children. Seeing them suffer will be upsetting and distressful for you. 

·       Having two personalities

Is the abuser well-liked by other people? Do outsiders think that they are an upstanding citizen? Since others believe that they are an upstanding citizen, you know that they will probably not believe you or may think that any trouble in your relationship is your fault. 

·       Jealousy

Are they jealous? Do they expect you to prove your love for them while being possessive of you? Do they demand that you give all your attention to them, or accuse you of being interested in other people? Are your achievements seen as competition and as a threat to them? 

·       Good periods

After expressing regret about their bad behavior, there could be a period when they are kind, generous, and loving. This can lead you to hope that they are changing. In time, when they sense that they have “gotten away” with their bad behavior, it is likely that they will start to treat you badly again. These good periods are, however, part of the abusive behavior – they are not a change from it. 

If you would like to understand more about emotional abuse and how to help people who are being treated in this way, please check out my books: 

The Emotionally Abusive Mindset: Its Effects & How to Overcome Them in Christ: https://mybook.to/EmotAbusiveMindset

The Emotionally Abusive Husband: Its Effects & How to Overcome Them in Christ:https://mybook.to/EmotAbusiveHusband

 

And The Emotionally Abusive Parent: Its Effects & How to Overcome Them in Christ: https://viewbook.at/EmotAbusiveParent 

All of them are available at: www.annedryburgh.com